Twilight (2008)
"When you can live forever, what do you live for?"
Rated PG-13 / Color / 122 Minutes

WARNING: THIS CAPSULE REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS!

Before I get into this review I have to say that the female fans of the Twilight books and the film are completely insane. Not only do they talk obsessively about the books and the fictional characters in them, but they get downright vicious when you say anything negative about Stephanie Meyer's popular literary "saga."

At first they only accuse you of being close-minded or stupid, then follow that up with threats of physical violence. (Yikes! Chill out ladies! It's not as if you all wrote the Twilight books. You just bought them, made them popular, and thus made the world a darker place for men everywhere.)

Of course, the bad vibes and death threats were probably the result of my constant provocations, as I verbally slammed the Twilight books and upcoming movie every chance I got. Oh yes fellow antagonists of the world, life was good. And then the worst possible scenario occured: My girlfriend saw the trailer for Twilight and demanded that I take her to see it.

Needless to say, I was not looking forward to watching a two-hour film featuring vampiric male runway models, and when the fateful day arrived, I was ready to hate Twilight with every ounce of my being. But amazingly, after the film was over, I walked out of the theater completely disarmed, because (I am ashamed to say) the movie was far better than I had anticipated.

As the film begins, a pasty-faced gal named Bella Swan moves to Forks, Washington to live with her father. And apparently Bella has the power to make friends instantly because halfway into her first day of school, she has befriended a mixed group of (stereotypical) teens. (Wait what? Since when is a new kid in school welcomed with open arms? This must surely take place in an alternate universe!)

But her new friends aren't all that important because they take a back seat as soon as local pretty boy Edward Cullen strolls into the school's lunchroom in slow motion. Bella, probably relieved that she's not the palest person in school, immediately falls for Eddie, who literally thinks she smells good enough to eat.

But before Eddie can court this girl, he has to let her in on the "big secret:" that he is an immortal vampire with super speed and strength, and the power to read minds. (And if that weren't enough, he is an exceptional tree climber!)

What irks me about all of this is that it takes Bella so god damned long to figure out that Edward is a vampire. We actually have to sit through a friggin' montage of Bella doing research before she finally reaches the conclusion that her future beau is a bloodsucker.

Despite the setback that her boyfriend is undead, ice cold, and gets all sparkly in the sunlight (Sunlight, doesn't kill these nosferatu, it just makes them glittery?! Ugh!), Bella seems pretty committed to having a long-term relationship with Edward.

But a problem soon arises in the form of a trio of nomadic vampires that have been feasting on the locals. One of them gets a whiff of Bella and decides to hunt her down for a snack, which leads to the entire third act of the movie.

Edward and his family attempt to protect Bella and eradicate the rogue vampire, but she foolishly sneaks away and is easily captured by her sadistic hunter. Instead of draining Bella on the spot, the bad vamp stupidly plays with his food, which allows Edward and the rest of the Cullen clan to arrive in time to save her.

As Edward tends to his injured girlfriend, the rest of his family (hilariously) dismembers their foe in the background then quickly burn the remains. But dang it, Bella was bitten by her attacker and is starting to undergo the painful transition from pale-faced human to pale-faced vampire.

To save Bella from eternal "damnation," Edward sinks his teeth into her wound and sucks out the vampire "venom." Bella survives the ordeal and after a speedy recovery, she attends the high school prom with "fast Eddie." Although it seems that we've gotten our obligatory happy ending, there are signs that there may be trouble down the road for these two.

The tribal leader of the nearby Indian reservation sends a warning to Bella that essentially says "Stop dating Edward Cullen... or else." There's a few hints that the local Injuns don't really take too kindly to Edward and his kind, and I surmise that they are werewolves as well.

If that's the case, then it looks like the next movie (and there will be another flick, seeing as how Twilight pulled in nearly seventy million in its first weekend) will be like Romeo and Juliet meets Underworld.

Overall, Twilight is an OK movie that is pretty much saved by decent performances from most of the cast, with Billy Burke easily overshadowing the majority of his fellow cast members as Bella's father, Charlie Swan.

The special effects are a mixed bag (scenes of vampires running without having their feet touch the ground are prevalent) and there are far too many scenes where Bella and Edward stare longingly at each other. In regards to these "tender" moments, a little extra editing would have gone a long way.

While I didn't hate Twilight, I can't quite say that I'd recommend it to anyone other than fans of the books. It's often silly (and unintentionally funny) and tinkers with the vampire mythos a bit too much for my liking. (I still can't get past the "sunlight makes vampires sparkly" scene.)

Though it exceeded my extremely low expectations, I don't think that Twilight deserves anything more than:


- TWO AND A HALF 'RADS' -

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Twilight Vampire "Factoids:"

• Good vampires feast on animals and have well-maintained hairstyles. Bad vampires drink human blood and put far less effort into combing and styling their hair.
  
  
• Sunlight does not kill vampires, it only makes them turn all sparkly and pretty. For this reason, vampires must hide out in small towns that don't see a lot of daylight.
  
  
• Vampires are adept tree climbers.
  
  
• Vampires are apparently familiar with runway modeling and shop at the GAP, American Eagle, and other fine clothing retailers.
  
  
• To kill a vampire you must completely dismember its body and burn the remains immediately. If you have to do it by yourself, then you are pretty much screwed.

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