Dinosaur Valley Girls (1996)
"Beauties and the BEASTS!"
Not Rated / Color / 94 Minutes

WARNING: THIS CAPSULE REVIEW MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS!

Forty-eight pairs of bare breasts.... That's ninety-six boobies; an average of (just over) one tit per minute in Donald Glut's Dinosaur Valley Girls! While I wouldn't normally harp on the amount of boobage in a film (wow... ninety-six hooters in ninety-four minutes....), I kind of have to here because female nudity is the main draw of this low-budget production.

"I said, 'I wish I was in a GOOD movie!' Damn it!"

Dinosaur Valley Girls follows the exploits of an action movie star named Tony Markham. This guy has it all: A large following of devoted fans, a nice house, and a gorgeous blonde for a girlfriend who isn't too shy about showing off her funbags. (Yeah... those are definitely fake, but I love 'em anyway.)

But all is not totally well in Tony's universe as his smoking habit is making it hard for him to keep up during the fight scenes in his more recent films. On top of that, he keeps having weird dreams about topless cavegirls, and after a moment of zen from his karate instructor, Tony visits Dr. Benjamin Michaels to seek some answers. (Holy crap! It's William Marshall! Blacula himself!)

Dr. Michaels shows Tony some interesting finds that are under lock and key (mainly because they don't seem to fit with science's established time-table of human development) and discovers a strange artifact that allegedly has the power to grant wishes. Tony, decides that he wants to meet the girl(s) from his dreams, so he holds the talisman in his hand and gives it the ole college try.

The "Dinosaur Valley" welcome wagon greets Tony.

The legend turns out to be true, and Tony is immediately whisked away to a prehistoric valley full of stop-motion dinosaurs, slap-stick cavemen, and a tribe of racially diverse cavegirls. After run-ins with some goofy cavemen and an Allosaurus with an attitude, Tony literally meets the girl of his dreams, namely Hea-Thor. She rescues Tony from being a dino-snack, then leads him back to her tribe of sex-starved prehistoric gal-pals.

The ladies seem ready to kill him at first (they got tired of, and abandoned their none-too-bright Neanderthal menfolk) but Hea-Thor calms them down with some cavegirl gibberish. Soon Tony becomes the alpha-male and object of the female tribe's affection, pretty much because he is equipped with a penis. (Yep, that's right ladies! You are all just as shallow as all of us men are! Ha!)

Eventually, the all male tribe of cavemen, so desperate for prehistoric poon that they draw up their own caveman porn and attempt to make sex dolls out of animal skins, hay, and coconuts, discovers the hiding place of their former mates. Led by a caveman named Beeg-Mak, the horny troglodytes bonk all the scantily clad women on their heads, and carry them off.

Tony: "Call me Fred Flintstone because I can make your bed rock!"

Up to this point, not a whole hell of a lot has happened in the film (aside from a really out of place music video / dance number that totally caught me off guard), so naturally writer/director Donald Glut rushes to tie up all the loose ends. This makes for a rather anticlimactic ending where Tony faces off against the Allosaurus that he encountered earlier in the film, and then battles Beeg-Mak for tribal supremacy.

During his battle with Beeg-Mak, Tony retrieves the mystical talisman that sent him back in time and returns to the present day. Having only one wish left he... wait, when the hell did anyone mention that he only got three wishes with that thing?!

Anyway, Tony decides to back to prehistoric L.A. to defeat Beeg-Mak and live out the rest of his days with Hea-Thor and the other cave dwellers. (Why not wish Hea-Thor to modern Los Angeles? She's a blonde and is ditzy enough to fit in with the rest of the local populace.)

Dinosaur Valley Girls is not an intelligent movie by any stretch, and thankfully doesn't try to be. It's pure cheese and makes no apologies for the fart jokes, the glut (pun!) of female nudity, or the bad acting.

"Chronologically challenged" cavegirls train for battle!

Though it seems like this is perfect late night Cinemax fare, Dinosaur Valley Girls actually puts a bit of effort into telling a story and keeps the female nudity fairly innocent. (There's no intense softcore porno sex here, or any scenes of banana fellation, as seen in Beach Babes from Beyond 2: Cave Girl Island.)

And unlike similar films, such as Fred Olen Ray and Jim Wynorski's Dinosaur Island, this movie actually gives us a good dose of dinosaur action. We get to see a giant monitor lizard, and (poorly) stop-motion animated pterosaurs, a sauropod of some kind, a Stegosaurus, and of course the big dino-star of this prehistoric show, the Allosaurus, which is brought to life via stop-motion, animatronics, and puppetry.

The Allosaurus nearly manages to steal the thunder from the titillating cavegirls as it gets its own random music video about fifty-four minutes into the film, and also has one of the funniest moments in the entire movie.

Mamma Mia! That's a spicy meat-a-ball!

Early on, when Tony first meets Hea-Thor, they are attacked by the Allosaurus, the mighty beast brazenly knocks the spear from the cavegirl's hands, then proceeds to yank down her bra and bitch-slap her! This actually elicited a huge laugh from me (especially after seeing Tony's reaction to the fully unleashed boobies), and almost made me fall in love with Dinosaur Valley Girls.

I say almost because the dinosaurian sexual assault is pretty much the high point of the movie. By the time I reached the halfway mark, I was beginning to check on how much longer I had to go, because this movie has so much filler!

I understand that film makers, in their quest for a feature-length running-time, have to resort to adding in a bit of padding, but sometimes it doesn't hurt to edit out five to ten minutes of footage in order to keep your audience from getting bored. Sadly, after the first half, Dinosaur Valley Girls begins to get boring, despite the nudity and occasional dinosaur appearances.

Death-defying staring contests light up the screen in Donald Glut's Dinosaur Valley Girls! Don't miss it!

There's just way too much filler here, and a bit of editing definitely could have gone a long way. On the plus side though, lead actor Jeff Rector (Tony Markham) does a pretty decent job with his role, though he's none too convincing as an action movie star. Still, he has pretty good comedic timing and helped make it easier to digest the frequent caveman babble that is elicited from his co-stars.

In the end, Dinosaur Valley Girls is a fun, but flawed (and sort of forgettable) indie production that falls short of becoming a cult favorite. Maybe the upcoming sequel, Dinosaur Valley Girls: Tooka-Tooka Too will hit closer to the mark, but even if it doesn't, we can at least take solace in the fact that it will contain lots and lots of bodacious boobs!

For blessing my eyes with repeated reveals of various cavegirl bosoms, and for giving me a few good chuckles, I award this low budget prehistoric sex comedy:


- TWO AND-A-HALF 'RADS' -

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