Conan the Barbarian (2011)
"Enter an Age Undreamed Of."
Rated R / Color / 113 Minutes

WARNING: THIS CAPSULE REVIEW CONTAINS MAJOR SPOILERS! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

Before I get into this review, I just want to state here and now that I harbor no ill will toward my friend Bill who runs the Beta Ray Blog. It is because of him, that I dared to give Hollywood's new Conan a shot. As chronicled here in the Vault's official blog, I was challenged to witness the adventures of "Momoan the Barbarian" by Bill, because I was taking potshots at it due to the venomous reviews it is receiving from critics.

While I normally don't side with the men and women who are paid for their opinions on cinema, I admit wholeheartedly that I was seeing things their way. I agree with Bill that one shouldn't dislike a film until they've actually seen it, but right from the get-go, I believed that the new Conan the Barbarian was a doomed project from the start.

Pictured: Ron Perlman in his natural habitat.

The trailers and production photos didn't "wow" me, but in fact made me even less interested in the film. Then came the news that Conan debuted at number four in the box office and has (as of my writing this) now dropped to the number eight spot. The budget for the film? Ninety million. Its current gross worldwide? Just over twenty million. (Ouch!)

While you can blame part of this film's failure on the heavy-handed attempt to usher more folks into 3D screenings of the movie by having fewer "2D" showings, the real reason (though Bill may heartily disagree) is most likely the fact that his movie is pretty lousy.

Conan the Barbarian opens with a narrative by Morgan Freeman who tells us about an ancient evil mask that will grant the wearer necromantic powers. When an evil wizard attempted to use the mask to conquer the known world, the barbarian tribes banded together and defeated the sorcerer.

As a safety measure, they cleaved the mask into numerous pieces and hid them amongst the various regions of Hyboria. Naturally, despite this safeguard, legend tells of a man who will eventually rise up and attempt to repair and utilize the mask for his own means. And then we get to meet Conan.... who is currently in his mother's womb. Awww....

"WHAT'S IN YOUR WALLET?!"

As we view a fetal Conan resting comfortably in his mother's belly, a blade suddenly pierces through her gut and past the unborn infant's head. Conan's mother is mortally wounded by this assault, but manages to kill her attacker... in the middle of a raging battle? Yikes! I know these people are barbarians and all but you'd think they'd leave their pregnant women at home, or somewhere safe during an all out war.

Corin (Ron Perlman) sees his wife fall in battle, hacks his way through some bearskin-wearing cannon fodder, and rushes to her aid. As she lays dying on the battlefield, she asks to see her son before she shuffles off this mortal coil. Corin obliges and slashes her open, then yanks out a screaming baby.

Before gasping her final breath, the woman names her child Conan. In celebration (and grief?) Corin raises the infant into the air and screams for no damned reason at all. (Wow, it was really nice for all the warriors on both sides to give Corin time to perform a Caesarian and then raise his newborn son into the air like a Stanley Cup trophy.)

The movie then jumps briefly into Conan's childhood where he and the young men of his village are about to undergo a test of their manhood. To become a warrior in the Cimmerian tribe, one must survive a race around the mountain their village resides on, without breaking a bird egg that they each put into their mouths.

This proves to be the most entertaining sequence in the film as Conan and his fellow runners scramble through the snowy forests, tripping and tackling each other along the way. The race is cut short when four roaring, shirtless nomads come charging out of the forest. The rest of the would-be Cimmerian warriors flee, but Conan holds his ground and brutally dispatches his attackers. He then returns to his village with a collection of severed heads and the bird egg completely intact, surprising everyone, including his father.

"Why is her hair prettier than mine?!"

Conan is then versed in swordplay by his old man and taught the "mystery of steel" (which involves fiery ice or some such nonsense) and things are generally great for the barbaric lad.... until the day Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang), his creepy daughter, and an array of oddball henchman pay the Cimmerians a visit. Khalar and his men decimate the village, burn down the huts, and murder everyone, but they take Corin and Conan alive.

Corin, as it turns out, was in possession of the final piece of the aforementioned MacGuffin (i.e. evil necromancer's mask), and once Khalar finds it, he has no use for the last two Cimmerians in existence. After beating and wounding Corin, Khalar has him chained up and places a bucket of molten steel over his head. Conan is forced to clutch a chain that holds said bucket in place, putting his father's life in his own hands, while the forge around them is set ablaze. The villains depart with their prize and leave Conan and his father for dead.

Naturally Corin sacrifices himself to save his son, and Conan, slightly charred and orphaned, vows revenge by raising a sword to the sky and screaming. (Huh... must run in the family.) The movie then skips past Conan's teenage years and suddenly we see the mighty warrior all grown up into Jason Momoa. When we first see Conan, he and his pirate buddies carry on an attack against some slave traders because "No man should live in chains."

They kill the slavers, free the men, then go party with some of the topless wenches at a mead hall. This is where Conan recognizes one of the men who was responsible for the death of his father. Utilizing an expertly devised plan (i.e. he gets himself arrested), Conan manages to get some face time with the noseless baddie, and discovers the whereabouts of Khalar Zym.

One, two, Rose McGowan is coming for you...

Conan then forces the guy to swallow a key, and throws him to a crowd of prisoners, telling them that their freedom lies within his gut. Needless to say, this minor character will most likely not be returning in the sequel. The rest of the film follows Conan as he attempts to track down and kill Khalar Zym in his quest for vengeance. Along the way he murders Khalar's henchman in occasionally inventive ways (one unlucky fellow gets to ride a trebuchet), and falls in love with a young woman named Tamara.

Conan's love interest as it turns out, is sought after by Khalar Zym because her blood will unlock the power of his goofy mask. This of course leads to a chase scene on horseback, and several battles with men and monsters, the latter of which include kung-fu sand-men and a tentacled horror straight out of an H.P. Lovecraft tale.

In the final act of the film, Khalar Zym succeeds in activating the mask and puts it on, which instantly causes an earthquake. One would think that the mask, which was extremely difficult to find and required blood from a rare and almost severed bloodline, would give Khalar Zym some amazingly awesome otherworldly powers.

But it turns out that the mask is completely useless, making the entire story arc of Zym's legendary quest for the the mask pretty pointless. As the film comes to a close, Conan defeats his nemesis with his huge sword and some quick thinking, rescues Tamara, and escapes from the crumbling (and aptly named) Skull Mountain. Happy ending achieved, they ride off to an uncertain future on a ship full of Conan's loyal pirate buddies.

Actually, seeing as how this movie tanked at the box office, I think Conan's future is pretty easy to ascertain. The odds of a sequel are slim to none, but I bet a reboot wouldn't totally be out of the question...

"Nay foul beast! You will not get sand in mine buttcrack!"

Conan the Barbarian totally wastes its potential and I'm not surprised that it was a huge flop. For a film that promises R-rated Hyborian adventure, I thought it was pretty tame, which is a surprise because its opening scenes are so hilariously violent and over the top.

It feels like it was originally meant to be a PG-13 Scorpion King-style adventure film, then was filled with CGI bloodletting once they were given a greenlight for an R-rating. This proves to be a bit jarring because the movie tosses blood and boobs in your face during its first forty minutes, then seems to tone things down during the second act.

The cast is a mixed bag with Momoa doing an OK job as Conan. To me, Conan is a character that should be larger than life and it would take an actor with the proper physicality and screen presence to pull off this role. With that said, Jason Momoa just didn't do it for me.

Though he does have a few shining moments throughout the movie, I found him to be rather vapid. However, he is not as dull as his arch-nemesis, Khalar Zym, who comes off more as a whiny widower than a conqueror. While most men would want the legendary necro-mask to obtain ultimate power, this guy just wants it to bring back his beloved piece of ass.

'Take Your Daughter to Work Day' just got awkward...

Also, I should note that there are a few brief moments where it is hinted that he may have an incestuous relationship with his witch of a daughter (portrayed here by hopefully future "Red Sonja," Rose McGowan) but they go nowhere and add nothing to the story. And that's probably the biggest problem with this movie: The script. (Which had three writers? Really?)

Yeah I know, this is a sword and sorcery film and some of the most highly regarded films in this particular sub-genre have simplistic (or sometimes incoherent) plots. Still, you should not only create a character for the audience to latch onto (preferably the beefy sword-wielding hero), but you should also put that character into a scenario where the audience should feel that something huge is at stake. (You know, like the world!) There's none of that here at all.

Truthfully, the only character in this film that I actually liked was Rose McGowan's Marique, because her character is more interesting than the rest. During the course of the film, you kind of get the feeling that she resents her father for wanting her mother back so badly. They build this up a bit and you begin to think that maybe she'll sabotage her dad's plans during the climax, or maybe simply outright murder her reincarnated momma. Sadly, in the end, she just helps her old man out and proves to be just as two-dimensional as everyone else in the movie.

But the real question on everyone's mind is "how does this new film measure up to the 1982 film starring Arnold Schwarzengger?" The simple answer: It doesn't measure up at all. To illustrate this, let's compare the two films, shall we?


Conan (1982)
* The film's prologue is narrated by Mako. It is awesome. Listen to it HERE.

* Conan is portrayed by Arnold Schwarzenegger. He was at his physical peak so he is impressively enormous, and his Austrian accent lends an air of credibility to his role as his character did come from a tribe from the icy frozen Nord.

* As a young boy, Conan's parents and people are wiped out by an evil sorceror. Conan is enslaved and forced to circle "The Wheel of Pain" day after day for an indeterminate number of years. As time goes by, the others on the wheel have either been sold off or died, and Conan, now a mountain of muscle, is the only one left. He is sold off into slavery, then thrust into gladiatorial combat where the oversized man-child must fight for his very survival. After numerous victories, he becomes a skilled warrior and begins to lust for battle.

As a prize for making his master rich, Conan is taught languages, trained in the art of war, provided with scrolls, presented with women, and eventually given his freedom. He manages to find himself a kickass sword, becomes a thief, picks up a cool sidekick, falls in love with a sexy blonde warrior/thief, and eventually avenges the deaths of his lover and his people. Then he sits on a throne and broods like it is going out of style while Mako narrates his outro.

* Conan's arch-nemesis is a charismatic sorceror named Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones). He can turn into a serpent, utilize snakes as arrows, and transfix people with his icy cold glare and force them to do his bidding. He has two giant dudes as bodyguards and an army of fanatical cultists that will bend to his every whim. Conan's final battle with him involves no showy swordfights, but a simple battle of wills. In the end, Doom tries to put the whammy on Conan, fails, and has his head chopped off.

* Conan befriends a Mongolian thief named Subotai after rescuing him from starvation; he proves to be a valuable friend and ally and saves Conan's life in return. Conan also befriends, falls in love with, beds, and ultimately loses a sexy blonde warrior/thief named Valeria who is so badass that she briefly comes back from the dead to save him and (probably) give him a raging hardon.

* Conan is obviously a warrior and a thief. No pirating is implied.

* Conan is unstoppable against the normal soldiers and minions of Thulsa Doom, however he is bested by Doom's two main henchmen and beaten to a bloody pulp, then left to die on "The Tree of Woe." Even after being saved by Subotai, Conan nearly loses his soul to demonic forces, but is saved when his beloved offers her life for his. Conan is brutal and powerful, but even he can make mistakes and suffer dearly for them.

* The 1982 film has an amazingly epic and memorable score, courtesy of the late and great Basil Poledouris.

* Conan briefly battles a giant serpent. He wrestles with it and keeps out of its belly with the aid of Subotai's strategically aimed arrows. As a coup de gras, he chops off its head.

* Total sets of female breasts seen in the film: Three.

* Total number of prayers, comments, and references to Crom: A lot. If I had to guess, I'd say there's one healthy "CROM!" every ten to fifteen minutes.



Conan (2011)
* The film's prologue is narrated by Morgan Freeman, the same man who narrated March of the Penguins.

* Conan is portrayed by Jason Momoa. He spends most of the movie scowling at everything and working hard to sound gruff and tough.

* Conan is born on a battlefield and by age fifteen proves to be a total badass after completing his tribe's test of manhood while simultaneously beheading a group of attacking savages. Then he's suddenly an adult and quests for revenge against the evil warlord that killed his people. Along the way he falls in love with a beautiful woman and must rescue her from the villain that he has sworn to destroy. He succeeds; they live happily ever after.

* Conan's arch-nemesis is a warlord / would-be necromancer named Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang). He has his own personal army, a giant boat/battering ram that is carried on the backs of a dozen or so elephants, and a gang of ridiculous henchmen. (Some of his minions look like they are right out of Xerxes army from 300.) His ultimate goal is to bring his wife back to life with the aid of a magical artifact that must first be pieced together, then filled with a special blood type. His most trusted subject is his creepy daughter who has some magical abilities and Freddy Krueger claws. Though he actually succeeds in his lifelong quest, after a brief swordfight with Conan, he is sent spiraling down into a river of lava. Yawn.

* Conan rescues a thief named Ela-Shan, who then disappears until the very end of the film when he is needed to unlock every dungeon door in the bowels of Khalar Zym's fortress. (What?! There's lock-picking and then there's having a key that fits every lock in the entire freakin' dungeon! The Hell?!) Once his job is done, Conan thanks him and ventures off to save his love interest. Speaking of which, Conan's main squeeze here is a goody-two-shoes peace-loving warrior monk. Despite the fact that she can fight, she's easily captured and carted off to the villain's lair. Conan rescues her and they ride off into the sunset on his buddy's pirate ship.

* Conan is clearly a warrior, but doesn't really do any real thieving (unless you count stealing whores from slavers as thievery) and his only claim to piracy is riding upon a vessel filled with self-proclaimed pirates.

* Conan destroys any and all opponents. In classic 80's action-film fashion, only the main villain has the ability to actually cause him any real harm. He receives superficial wounds when battling sand-creatures, and is beat up a bit by Khalar Zym after being poisoned by Marique. Still, he never truly takes a real beating and you never experience a moment when you think that'll he'll lose and/or die. Bo-ring.

* The 2011 film features an ultimately forgettable and generic score by composer Tyler Bates, who has had a uh... varied career to say the least.

* Conan battles magical sand-men who have bony throwing star knives. They are easily defeatable but cool to look at and feisty as all hell. Our hero is briefly aided by Tamara, who defeats a few of the monsters on her own. Conan also battles a tentacled horror ("The Dweller") that seems more interested in killing all of his opponents for him. (The Hell? Did it use Conan's intrusion as a means to exact vengeance upon its abusive keepers?) As a thank you, Conan doesn't slay the tentacle-beast.

* Total sets of female breasts seen in the film: At least six.

* Total number of prayers, comments, and references to Crom: One made by Ron Perlman.

I think I've made my case here; clearly the 1982 film is superior in almost every way (though it is lacking in the monster and titty departments). The characters are memorable, the music unforgettable, and it is probably one of the best sword and sorcery flicks of all time. As for the 2011 "rebirth" of Conan, I can safely tell you that it is not worth seeing on the big screen. (Especially in 3D. F*ck 3D!)

At two hours, it runs too long to tell so little story, the characters are forgettable, and the entire thing is just plain boring. Had they stayed true to the spirit of the film's insane first act, then this could have been a really fun movie, but as it stands, it is not truly worthy of your free time. Maybe it is closer to Robert E. Howard's version of the character, but I'll take Ah-Nuld over Momoa any day.

By the power invested in me by Crom, I hereby give Conan the Barbarian:


- TWO 'RADS' -

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