Victoria Lucas - A newspaper photographer and
the concerned mother of Emalee Lucas. Victoria fights tooth and claw to rescue her blossoming young daughter
and ultimately defeats pure evil to save humanity. For her selfless act, she is doused with
gallons of blood and gore! (Bruce Campbell would be proud!)
Emalee Lucas - A young girl whose worst nightmares begin coming true. She must keep away
from her evil siblings in order to halt a world-ending prophecy of biblical proportions. She's
nearly raped by one of her evil brothers but is saved at the last minute by her mother's love.
Professor Winston Keller - A no-nonsense college professor whose area of expertise involves
exorcisms and the occult. He's a key hero in stopping the rebirth of the film's resident god-monster.
Father Keller - Winston's dad and expert on religion and the occult. Father Keller aids
in the defeat of Xangadix while looking downright silly in his ceremonial garb.
de Graaf - The head of a covert scientific group in Holland that has been keeping a certain
group of evil septuplets locked up for fourteen years. He gets a knife through the chest when
trying to save Emalee Lucas, but manages to take one of his attackers with him to the great beyond.
Angela - A professor that ends up getting jiggy with Winston Keller's medicine man
father. She aids the father and son duo in their quest to stop the prophecy from coming true.
Dr. Johnson - The surviving member of an expedition that went into the Amazon. Once
back in America, Dr. Johnson helps bring about the birth of septuplets to purposely set an ancient Indian
prophecy into motion. His fate is unknown after he meets Xangadix face to face in a
swamp, but I really don't have high hopes.
The Johnsons - Septuplets
that were conceived in a test tube (using one of Victoria Lucas' fertilized ovum) and born in
an artificial womb. Once they turn twenty-one (fourteen years after they wiped out the other kids
and adults in a children's home), they seek out their "sister" in order to rape her and bring
about the rebirth of Xangadix. Luckily all seven of these dastardly bastard sons are wiped out
by the end of the film.
Xangadix - (Pronounced Zan-gah-dicks or Zan-gah-deeks.) The evil spirit that is watched
over and guarded by an Amazonian Indian tribe called the Maxhitu. The god is in an embryonic form
and is encased in a giant gem. Only when its seven sons have incestual sex with their sister
can this god of infinite evil be reborn. Xangadix almost triumphs but becomes a gore-filled grenade
after Victoria Lucas intervenes.
I've recently seen films from all over the world and let
me tell you, it's a jungle out there! I've seen a Czech zombie film, oodles of monster movies and
supernatural horror flicks from Japan, China, and Thailand, and most recently, I've watched
a Dutch horror film, namely The Johnsons. If
this is just a taste of what the Dutch film industry is capable of, then I'm definitely craving
more! The Johnsons begins with a text scrawl (usually
a bad sign in any movie) that is actually a page from an explorer's journal. Apparently a group
of intrepid researchers traveled deep into the Amazon and stayed with a tribe called the Maxhitu,
and learned of a most curious prophecy. The tribe watches over the embryo of their ancient evil
god, Xangadix, and wouldn't you know it, those damned explorers decided to take the embryo back
to the U.S. to further study it. As we learn later, only one man returned from the expedition alive:
Dr. Johnson! (GASP!)
Fast forward years later and we find ourselves watching the birth of septuplets. Presiding over
the procedure is Dr. Johnson, a seemingly kindly and hard-working medical practitioner. After
he delivers the septuplets, he drives off into a swamp, coats his entire head in mud, and starts
calling out to Xangadix. Moments later, a (burnin') ring of fire appears in the water ahead of him
and the embryonic god rises from the water. What becomes of Dr. Johnson is unknown because the
film suddenly leaps forward twenty-one years into the future. The remainder of the movie takes place
in and around Holland, during a "sanitation-worker" strike. The streets are littered with garbage,
politicians are getting doused with buckets of shit, and thirteen year old Emalee Lucas is
sitting at home playing with tampons, pining for the moment when her vagina will begin spewing
out blood, thus taking her into a new stage of womanhood. (Yikes, is that how a tampon works?!
You know, you could shove one down someone's throat, make them drink a glass of water, and watch
as they slowly suffocate! That's terrifying!!)
When she's not worrying about getting her first period, Emalee is having a series of gory nightmares
involving seven little boys and lots of blood. Because of her constant nightmares, Emalee sees
a psychologist and pieces together that her bloody dreams are probably due to her late menstrual
cycle. (Of course all of us watching the film know differently.) With her nightmares supposedly figured
out, Emalee goes to the swamp with her mother. Meanwhile, in another part of Holland, Professor Winston
Keller and his faithful cohort Angela discover a filmstrip and some notes from the expedition I
mentioned earlier. They watch in fascination, when suddenly Winston's dad storms in and flips out, and
later burns the film and notes. This confuses and infuriates Winston, but he just lets his father
have his way with hardly any struggle. The following day, Winston leaves his home and is suddenly
grabbed and whisked away by de Graaf, the head of Holland's covert scientific research branch. He's
got a little problem and wants Professor Keller's advice.
You see, de Graaf is currently in the possession of a group of murderous twenty-one year old septuplets and he's
not sure what to do with them. Apparently he's already had experts from all fields of mental
health and science take a look at the seven psychotics without any real results, so now he's trying a different
approach. Said septuplets are locked down in a fort in the Biesbosch region of Holland and wouldn't
you know it, Emalee and Victoria have made camp nearby. Meanhwhile, within
the Biesbosch fort, Winston gets a history of the troublesome septuplets. When the seven
brothers were seven years old (coincidence? Winston thinks not!), they massacred sixteen people
in a children's home and painted fetal designs on the walls using the blood of their victims. Since
then, the seven brothers have been locked away. Winston also gets to view a few security tapes
of the brothers in action as they drag down a doctor and maul him to death. (It’s a pretty homoerotic
scene if you ask me, as it takes place in a large shower and the brothers are completely naked.)
Winston is clueless as to why the brothers are psychotic and behave the way they do, so he goes back
to civilization and does some research into the brothers' past. However, time waits for no man,
and before Winston discovers the true nature of the septuplets, the seven brothers manage to escape from the
fort. Driven by some sort of supernatural power, they venture into the nearby swamp to
find their sister, namely Emalee. (Emalee by the way has just turned fourteen and gotten her
period, so you know she's in deep trouble now!) Emalee and her mother barely escape from the
crazed septuplets (and even manage to decapitate one of them with a machete), and go back to
their home. (And naturally they don't call the police to report their terrifying encounter.) The following
day, de Graaf and Winston return to the fort and begin brainstorming on how and why the brothers escaped,
and where they may be going. While they seek out the violent escapees, the remaining evil brothers
somehow find Victoria and Emalee and proceed to terrorize them for the rest of the film.
The movie really kicks into gear at this point as Emalee and Victoria evade their attackers, and
the Johnson boys begin dropping like flies along the way. One gets a knife blade through the skull,
another falls to his death from a window sill, the third brother's head explodes after he gets up
close and personal with a television screen, another is electrocuted on a neon sign after being shot
by de Graaf (who ends up with a knife sticking out of his chest), but the last brother (wait, wasn't
there seven of them?) somehow succeeds in fulfilling the ritual to awaken Xangadix. (Again, wait a
second, doesn't he have to do the nasty with his sister to get the ball rolling on the whole
end of the world thing?!) Winston arrives in time to take down the last (?!) brother but only
Victoria has the ability to stop Xangadix. Only her love for Emalee can stop the evil god
from regaining its power and shove itself into Emalee's frail prepubescent womb.
With the aid of Father Keller (who conveniently arrives on the scene dressed in his goofy
ceremonial garb), Victoria cradles the embryo/fetus of Xangadix in her arms, and repeats some
magical words given to her by the eccentric medicine man. Unable to stand the warmth of a mother's
loving embrace and wounded by the magical chant, Xangadix dies and explodes in a huge fountain
of blood that covers both Victoria and Emalee. As the mother and daughter duo embrace after
their ordeal, the film swiftly ends, leaving quite a few unanswered questions. The main one is why am
I only counting six dead Johnson septuplets? I've gone through my notes several times and
I can't account for that one missing character. Also, I thought that the brothers had to rape
their sister to bring about the appearance of Xangadix, but this never happens. Is there an
alternate way to bring the ancient god back that the experts didn't know about?! I guess I'll
never truly know...
Film Review: The Johnsons
is based on a story written by renowned Document of the Dead director,
Roy Frumkes. (And on a side note, I think that Roy's Document of the Dead is boring and
highly overrated, and inexcusably boring!) The storyline is fairly interesting and the film
itself contains a handful of genuinely creepy scenes. The creepiest of which are Emalee's nightmares
about her future rapists. The first of her nightmares has some creepy little boys painting embryonic
symbols in blood on the walls of an old, cob-web filled building. (This is actually sort of
a flashback to when the brothers went on a killing spree when they were all seven years old.)
Emalee's second dream involves seven very naked men in weird clay masks. They carry her
through a swamp and then lay her down near a large bonfire and start to defile her virgin body.
The movie has a pretty slow pace for the first half as director Rudolf van den Berg attempts
to lay out the entire story, but once the septuplets escape from their prison, the film really
picks up. What starts out as a slow, supernatural pot-boiler, suddenly becomes
an action-thriller as everyone races against time to save Emalee. During the second half, we're
treated to some really cool death scenes, as Emalee's evil siblings are killed off one by one
during their attempts to defile their young sister. From the decapitation of the first brother
(reminiscent of Pamela Voorhees' "decap" in the original Friday
the 13th) up to the blood-soaked climax (reminiscent of both Carrie
and Evil Dead II), there's plenty of grue to satiate any gorehound!
The acting in the The Johnsons is quite
good (much better than you'd expect from a film like this) and everyone turns in a good performance.
Even the late Otto Sterman, who portrays Father Keller, the film's comic relief, manages to walk away
from this film with his dignity intact. (Which is more than Raul Julia could ever claim. **CoughStreet Fighter: The MovieCough**)
However, for all the good things I can say about this film, I do have two complaints.
First off, Emalee is knocked out of the spotlight in the third act, even though she is the central
character in the film. Instead of focusing on the intense emotional trauma that she must be
experiencing, Rudolph Van Den Berg and company take things into slasher film territory.
My other gripe with
The Johnsons is its terribly anticlimactic
ending. The last moments of the film feel rushed and you get the feeling that the film makers
weren't sure how to end the story. Even the massive explosion of gore at the climax
couldn't help patch things up. All in all, this is a well rounded horror film that should definitely be given a chance. While
it is a fairly low-budget production (I think it only cost two-million dollars to make), the
film makers still managed to create an enticing and sometimes eerie thriller with some fairly
impressive makeup and special effects.
So how radioactive is this obscure Dutch horror film?
Geiger Counter Reading:
- FOUR 'RADS' -
WARNING: This film is very radioactive and worthy of your free time!
However it is not for the faint of heart! If the notion of an incestual
gang bang is not your cup of tea, then you may want to skip this movie!
DVD Review: The Johnsons was released
on DVD by Anchor Bay and features a clean widescreen transfer (1.85:1 ratio) as well as 2.0 Dolby surround sound.
The film looks and sounds very good and comes complete with an English dubbed audio track, the
original Dutch audio track (with English subtitles), and a commentary track with director Rudolph
Van Den Berg, and writers Roy Frumkes and Rocco Simonelli. (I have yet to actually listen to
the commentary by the by, so I can't really say much more about it.) Also included on the DVD
is the film's original theatrical trailer and Talent Bios of several key cast members.
I purchased this DVD sometime in late 1999 for ten bucks, but apparently the disc was
discontinued in August of 2000. Don't fret though, because copies of The Johnsons
are still available for purchase on the internet at fairly low prices. All
in all, this is a well rounded disc and plenty of tender-loving care is given to this fairly
obscure film. (Another job well done Anchor Bay! Keep those cult DVD releases coming!)
Winston Keller: "Shit, who's that?"
de Graaf: "Head of security."
Security Guard: "No, here's the head of security."
(Reviewer's Note: This was one of the few intentionally humorous scenes in the film. After
the guard gives his line, he rotates a swivel chair and reveals a decapitated head on the seat!
I just love situational gore humor!)
- Beginning - "Holy Shit" is a phrase that people of all cultures can understand.
- 6:50 - Xangadix rises from a "burnin' ring of fire." (Johnny Cash would be proud.)
- 7:33 - 21 Years Later...
- 9:39 - If only we could pour buckets of human feces on useless politicians here in America...
- 11:45 - After seeing this, I'm totally convinced that tampons are fun!
- 20:04 - Ewww... now I know why this movie is called "The Johnsons."
- 36:15 - Oh great, a Dutch homosexual fetish gang-bang video. That's exactly what I wanted to see!
- 49:30 - Ick! Nothing brings a mother and daughter together like vaginal bleeding.
- 54:58 - Proof that "Laurel and Hardy" were in cahoots with Satan!
- 62:08 - WOOHOO! Awesome decapitation with an impressive arterial spray!
- 64:29 - HOOTER ALERT! (Emalee freaks out while bathing with her mom.)
- 65:55 - "No, here's the head of security."
- 73:48 - See Father Keller live at the Voodoo Lounge!
- 79:44 - Awesome! Knife blade in the skull!
- 86:19 - DEATH BY T.V.!
- 90:48 - DEATH BY SOAP SUDS!
- 94:29 - Xangadix explodes...
- 94:33 - ... and covers the film's heroines in gallons of gore!
- 95:25 - The End Credits.
Recommended Viewing:
- Long before the psychotic Johnson brothers pursued their sister, famed cinematic
serial killer Michael Myers sought out his younger sister in John Carpenter's Halloween (1978)
and several its sequels. (See also: Halloween II (1981),
Halloween: H20 (1998), and Halloween Resurrection (2002))
Xangadix isn't the only ancient God that devoted followers have tried to resurrect. Dean Stockwell
attempts to bring back "The Old Gods" in The Dunwich Horror (1970)
and numerous attempts have been made to bring Satan into our world in a countless string of films.
Indian legends have almost always made for lousy films (but The Johnsons is one of
the few exceptions). Here's some films that use Indian mythology to their [dis]advantage: The Crow: Wicked Prayer (2005),
Shadow of the Hawk (1976), Track of the Moon Beast (1976),
The Manitou (1978), and Chosen One: Legend of the Raven (1998).
Useless Trivia:
- IMDB.com actually lists
the names of the Johnson boys even though the end credits of the film did not. Their names are Bossie, Dakkie, Tellie,
Droppie, Kniffie, Koppie, and Kurkie.
- Dutch film maker, Ruud van Hemert was considered as director.
- Dutch actress, Liz Snoyink was considered for the lead role.
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Review posted on March 25th, 2006.
(Review last updated on January 4, 2008.)
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