Bobby Hartford - Here is the film's hero
and he is one heck of a nice guy. How many men would spend their birthday driving their raving girlfriend
around town in search of a man-eating blob? Very few I can assure you.
Lisa Clark - Bobby's main squeeze; she spends most of the film in hysterics. Halfway
through the movie, I began hoping that someone would get sick of Lisa and shove her into a puddle of
flesh-eating slime.
Edward Fazio - An unlikeable jerk that considers himself a big deal because he owns and maintains
the town's bowling alley/coffee shop/skating rink. This rude little man amazingly survives the Blob
invasion, proving that there is no justice in the Larry Hagman universe.
Sheriff Jones - This ineffective law enforcer should be voted out during the
next town election. Rather than double-check for survivors within the Blob-filled bowling
alley, the Sheriff decides to torch the place immediately. Sheriff Jones gets his comeuppance
at the end of the film while making a long-winded and bullsh*t-laden speech on live TV. (I hope
those boots are Blob-proof Sheriff Jones.)
Chester and Mariane Hargis - Dozens of people (and several cuddly pets) are killed
because these two idiots release the Blob from its icy tomb. (i.e. A metal canister in their freezer.) Chester is
a raging alcoholic; Mariane, his goofy wife, gladly provides her drunken hubby with tons of beer.
Mariane pays the price for her complacency when she is tackled by the Blob and eaten. Mariane's
inebriated hubby shares her fate after sitting down on his Blob-covered Lazy Boy.
The Naked Turk - Here's a quick lesson in "Cause & Effect." The Blob
invades the bathroom of the "Naked Turk," causing this jiggling mass of man to escape out a
window and run naked down the middle of his street. The Effect: Viewers become disgusted and wonder if
this guy is the blob mentioned in the film's title.
Sims, Kelly, and Williams - The rest of this small town's police force. Sims
is a hippy-hater that becomes an entree for the Blob. Kelly discovers
how ineffective guns are against a giant mass of flesh-eating jello. Williams is the token black cop on the force.
He is none too bright and is obsessed with the mysterious "Plan B." Surprisingly, he is the only
cop on the force that is not devoured by the film's monster.
Various Hippies, Hobos, and Townsfolk - A human buffet fit for man-eating gelatin.
Sam the Kitten - Curiosity kills this cuddly feline.
Man in Wheelchair - Growing blobs need to eat their vegetables!
Man with Crucifix - The power of Christ compels the Blob to eat this poor sap.
Burgess Meredith and Dick Van Patten - These two stars put in brief cameos. Though
their characters (a hobo and local Scoutmaster respectively) are devoured by the Blob, both actors'
careers somehow remained unscathed.
The Blob - The voracious space creature is back! The Blob proves to be a very resourceful
predator: It sneaks up on people, devours them quickly, then vanishes without a trace. (It'd make a
great cleaning product: The Blob! Wipes out small towns quickly without leaving behind
any slimy residue!) The Blob's snack-fest ends when it is instantly frozen by advanced skating
rink technology.
I am a devout lover of movie sequels. (There, I said it, the secret it out!)
While a good number of sequels are unnecessary and unwarranted (humanity could have done without
the last offerings in the Friday the 13th and Halloween
franchises), some have actually turned out to be better than their predecessor (e.g. Aliens (1986) and
Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991)). In fact, some sequels even manage to
expand and improve on the storyline from the previous entry, but that is not the
case here my friends. Beware! The Blob was
made because producer Jack H. Harris apparently wanted to relive his glory days. (Damn your insane cravings
for nostalgia Jack!)
Beware! The Blob opens with two-minutes of footage
of a kitten meandering through a field. This kitten, as we will learn later, is Samuel, and he
is on his way home after a day of frolicking in fields to the tune of music, fit for an old
school video game. (I'm still trying to place where I've heard this music before. I'm leaning towards one of several
old Nintendo games, like "Tetris," "Dig Dug," or "Bomberman." No... actually, I'm getting more
of a "Dr. Mario" vibe. Then again, this movie was made in '72, so I should probably focus on Atari game
titles instead.) Sam eventually arrives home to the Hargis residence where some shenanigans
are afoot. Chester Hargis is well-buzzed from a beer drinking stint and is apparently camping
out in his living room. As he mellows out and opens up a fresh can of brew, his wife Mariane returns
from her shopping expedition.
She opens the fridge to put her groceries away and discovers a strange canister in the freezer. Despite the "KEEP FROZEN" label, she removes
said canister, and places it on the kitchen counter. Within the frosty metallic container is a sample
of the Blob, which was found in a layer of permafrost in the Antarctic. (Chester works
for an oil company that is laying a pipeline on the frozen continent, in case you were wondering.)
The can o' Blob is quickly forgotten and soon, the monstrous marmalade is on the loose. The Blob's first
victim is poor Samuel. The curious kitten bats at the approaching slime with its paw and, through
the magic of reversed footage, is soon ensnared by the carnivorous jelly. The Blob pulls its meal
outside through an open window, then dines on Mariane when she goes to look for poor Samuel.
Mariane calls to Chester for aid, but he is busy emptying the pirate chest of beer that's sitting
in the living room, so Mariane is totally screwed. Meanwhile, in another part of town, Lisa and
her friends are preparing for Bobby's surprise party. With preparations made, Lisa drives over
to the Hargis house to pick up Bobby's gift. (An extraordinarily ugly pair of coveralls.) Lisa
lets herself in and makes a horrifying (i.e. hilarious) discovery: Chester covered head to toe in
Smucker's strawberry preserves! After a brief delayed reaction, Lisa runs screaming from the house,
and "speeds" away in her truck. She quickly arrives at Bobby Hartford's house
and drags her beau out of his darkroom (apparently Bobby is an amateur photographer).
Lisa is too upset to properly explain what she saw, so she and Bobby race off to Chester's house
to see what the hoopla is all about. Naturally when they arrive, there's no trace of Chester, or
the thing that attacked him. After a (far too) thorough check of the house (which apparently took a few
hours because it is now pitch black outside), Bobby and Lisa exit the house and are startled by
Sheriff Jones. Before the sheriff can chide the two young reckless drivers, Lisa begins blabbering out
Chester's death. Jones immediately calls all available officers to the house, and does a sweep of the premises.
In the meantime, the Blob is busy gorging itself on the rest of the populace. The Blob, probably
recovering from a hangover after eating Chester, finds its next meal within a big ole sewer drain.
Two hippies, who were smoking marijuana and rocking out with an acoustic guitar inside a sewer
pipe, are discovered by Officer Sims. Despite an urgent call from the Sheriff for backup, Sims decides that busting
two stoned kids is far more important. As the cranky officer prepares to abuse his police powers, the Blob
blocks the sewer entrance and easily ensnares him. ("Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! It's bacon!") Though the scene ends at this
point, I think it is safe to say that the two horrified hippies were next on the menu. Back at Chester's
place, the police find absolutely nothing. Sheriff Jones, a little annoyed, sends Lisa and Bobby
on their way. Elsewhere in town, the Blob continues its mission of depopulating the area. It flows up into a sink at a local barbershop and gets a two for one special when
the hair "sculptor" decides to rinse his (stoned) client's hair in said sink.
The creature's next stop is at the home of "The Naked Turk." As the heavy-set fellow enjoys a bath,
the space ooze begins pouring beneath the bathroom door. Seeing as how this unwelcome guest has just
devoured his dog, the Turk tosses a telephone (who the hell has a phone in their bathroom?!) through the
nearby window and escapes, butt naked, into the street. As the panicked Turk streaks through town
while screaming obscenities in his foreign tongue, he is picked up by Officer Kelly, and booked
for "public indecency." Going back to the Bobby and Lisa portion of the "plot," the young couple
returns to Lisa's apartment after a very strange day. Bobby is ready to believe Lisa's crazy ramblings
about a monster, until the front door bursts open, revealing Bobby's suprise party! ("Oh Lisa, you
were making all that up, just to keep me away until everyone was here at the party.")
Yup, I forgot about the party too, and so did Lisa apparently. Bobby is dragged inside and given a royal
welcome, while Lisa goes upstairs and hides in the bathroom. After Bobby blows out the candles on his
cake and mingles a bit with his friends, he goes looking for Lisa and finds her moping upstairs.
Seeing that Lisa isn't herself, Bobby decides to take her back to his place for the night. (What?!
Most guys I know would've been like, "forget you woman! I'm gonna go back out there and party!" It just
goes to show you that Bobby is the perfect boyfriend. Curse him for making the rest of us look bad!) Along
the way, the two love birds have a run-in with Edward Fazio (who is a still pissed at Lisa for running him off the road
earlier that day), while the Blob manages to fill up on three drunken hobos. (Burgess Meredith! Noooooo!)
If the Blob actually had taste buds, these three guys would've probably been safe. Then again,
after eating several pot-smokin' hippies, the Blob must have really had a major case of
the munchies, so flavor may not have been an issue.
Afterwards, the Blob attempts to dine on Bobby and Lisa as they neck in the front
seat of Bobby's vehicle. They manage to wind up the windows, but the Blob easily finds other ways
to get inside. As it begins to ooze into the truck, Lisa accidentally turns on the air-conditioning
while pulling her legs up off the floor. Though our two main characters don't realize it until later,
we already know that the Blob does not like the cold. The massive glob of slime relinquishes its hold
on the truck, allowing Bobby and Lisa to escape. They drive off like a bat out of hell, and
soon stop at a gas station to call the police. Bobby's friend Joe happens to be at the (apparently abandoned)
gas station, partaking of free food, drink, and fuel. Bobby and Lisa recount their recent brush
with death, but Joe won't hear any of it.
The carefree party animal ditches his friends (including his girlfriend, Lisa), hops in his little hot rod, and races down the road.
It's not long before he ends up crashing his car into a pulsating roadblock of slime. Joe is eaten
alive and his stupid girlfriend shares his fate shortly after arriving on the scene with Bobby and Lisa.
After witnessing the near instantaneous digestion of their friends, the two panicked "teens" rush
to the local bowling alley to report their Blob prob to Sheriff Jones. Also en route to the bowling
alley is the Blob, who manages to arrive shortly after Bobby and Lisa attempt to warn everyone
of the approaching danger. Naturally their warning is scoffed at, and written off as a joke, which
allows the Blob to infiltrate the building unnoticed.
After eating two mechanics that are repairing a pinsetter, the Blob pours out across the lanes and
begins feasting on everyone within its grasp. No one is safe from this insanely hungry lifeform, and soon
the building is empty, except for Bobby, Lisa, and the bowling alley owner, Mr. Edward Fazio.
The three of them flee before the onslaught of the Blob and take refuge in a small control
room above the bowling alley's ice skating rink. (Wait, what?! Bowling and ice skating are two completely
unrelated recreational sports! That's like building a hockey rink alongside a baseball diamond, or putting
a boxing ring in the center of a basketball court!) The Sheriff soon arrives on the scene with his
two surviving deputies. They head inside to save the stranded survivors, but Kelly finds out the
hard way that shooting buckshot into a giant mound of jello is pretty useless.
Sheriff Jones runs off before he can be eaten, and with the help of his last surviving deputy,
decides upon the dreaded "Plan B." Basically, the Sheriff believes that nothing can be done
for the people inside, and that they are probably already dead. So, to save the lives of everyone
within the hospital and retirement home that lie just beyond the bowling alley, he is prepared to torch
the place and burn up the Blob inside. (Had this plan been put into effect, the Sheriff would've
discovered that fire will not harm the Blob, and would allow the monster easy access out of the building.) But before the sheriff can light the place up, Bobby
and friends discover the Blob's weakness (after a very convenient moment involving some ice cubes)
and freeze the creature solid after turning on the ice rink's freezing mechanism.
Once members of the press arrive on the scene, the Sheriff proudly stands upon the frozen monster, like a conquering hero,
and delivers a long-winded speech. While he blabbers on, a badly placed light thaws out a bit
of the Blob, allowing it to pool around Sheriff Jones' feet. However, before we can see this buffoon
meet a messy end, the film thankfully ends. (Can you believe that the film makers had the gall
to hint at yet another sequel? I can only wonder how many people saw "THE END?!" and moaned in agony.)
CLICK ON THE BANNER TO READ MORE BLOB-THEMED REVIEWS! |
Film Review: The original Blob (1958)
holds a special place in my heart, and has become one of America's greatest classic sci-fi/horror
films. The 1988 remake has also become a personal favorite of mine, and of many hardcore horror fans.
(Seeing people dissolve within the titular creature in graphic detail is just, plain, awesome!)
However, in the thirty years that separated the Blob
and its remake, an oft-forgotten sequel emerged in 1972, namely Beware! The Blob.
Jack H. Harris, the producer of 1958's Blob film, had been eager to do a follow up, but the production
never got off the ground.
Then fate would intervene when Harris showed his personal 16mm print of the 1958 classic to his neighbor,
Larry Hagman. Hagman, famous for his role as J.R. on TV's "Dallas," had never seen the film before,
but quickly became a big fan. Eventually, the two men would join forces and create one of the worst
sequels of all time. Obviously, I did not enjoy sitting through Beware! The Blob
(twice), and here's why: Larry Hagman is not a very talented film maker. This was
Larry's first time shooting a feature length film and it shows. Hagman pads out the film with
a variety of completely unnecessary scenes, and he spares the audience nothing!
If someone walks up or down a staircase, we get to see every second of it. When Bobby enters a
dark hallway in Chester's house and cautiously peeks in every door, we never miss a second of
the "action." (A little editing would've gone a long way.) The film is further padded by oodles
on nonsensical moments and unnecessary character introductions. Most of the characters that
pop up throughout the film become a victims of the insatiable space creature mere moments after
they are introduced. Truthfully, the Blob itself is the main redeeming quality of the movie. Brought to life
by special effects artist Tim Barr, the Blob proves to be much more lively than it did
back in the 50s.
It oozes through vents, bubbles up from sinks, rolls over hapless victims, and pours down bowling
lanes with the greatest of ease. And in a somewhat ballsy move, we do get to see the slimy monster
start to dine on several characters. (I'm sure that some folks back in the day were shocked to see
Chester Hargis covered almost completely by man-eating jello.) But that's about the only
good thing I can say about Beware! The Blob. Other
than seeing the Blob in action on a frequent basis, there's nothing else for me to praise here.
The cast of characters is relatively unlikeable (I wanted them all to die horrible, blobby deaths), and
most of the comedic moments in the film aren't really that funny.
With all that said, I had high hopes that I would enjoy Beware! The Blob
the second time around. (To clarify, after my first viewing of this film, I vowed to never watch it again.) I read a review at Classic Horror.com
that (amazingly) defended this movie, so for a brief moment, I thought that perhaps I was mistaken.
In the end, it turns out that my first impressions were right on: This movie is awful! Beware! The Blob
is a terrible film, and I can only recommend this flick to avid bad movie enthusiasts. For those of you
who actually plan on watching this film (despite my warnings), be sure to grab some friends and crack open a
few brews before popping this sucker into your DVD player.
So how radioactive is the "movie that J.R. Shot?"
Geiger Counter Reading:
- TWO 'RADS' -
WARNING: This movie is somewhat radioactive! While I had to force
myself to finish watching this film, I will admit that it actually has some
entertainment value. If you watch this b-flick (my deepest sympathies), be on the
lookout for Burgess Meredith, Dick Van Patten, and one very unlucky guy in a wheelchair!
DVD Review: Image Entertainment's release of Beware! The Blob is a disappointment. The movie is shown in a clean, 1.35:1 fullscreen transfer with a serviceable Mono 1.0 soundtrack; it looks and sounds
very good. While I can't complain much about the film's presentation (seeing the movie in its original
1.85:1 theatrical aspect ratio would have been a nice treat), I was a bit miffed with the complete
lack of extras on the disc. All we get on this DVD is an annoying animated intro that precedes a scene
selection screen; this is an entirely bare bones release. Luckily, this disc goes for $9.99 brand new at most movie
retailers, so if you decide to sate your curiosity and pick this flick up, it won't put a big
dent in your wallet. (Note: The original 2000 release of Beware! The Blob
came in a cardboard snapcase. I'm not one hundred percent sure, but I think that current
copies of this film are being sold in the plastic keepcases.)
Mariane: "Oh Samuel. You broke my forty-nine
cent thing! I really did like that thing!"
(Reviewer's Note: Uh yeah, that "thing" you're fretting over is
known by us intelligent folks as a small, glass, flower vase. The Blob should get a full Presidential
pardon for eating this idiot!)
Barber: "Oh my God...."
Stoned Hippy: "Hi!"
Barber: "Obviously."
(Reviewer's Note: This hippy-hatin' barber was one of the few
saving graces of this movie. Sadly, he fails to notice a sink full of slime and becomes yet
another snack for the Blob.)
- Beginning - This music sounds like it was cribbed from an old Nintendo game.
- 6:22 - Like this guy really needed a pirate's chest full of beer...
- 9:47 - Sam the Kitten gets eaten! (I guess the Blob is a fan of Chinese cuisine!)
- 11:38 - YES! That's one less annoying character in the movie! Go Blob Go!
- 14:40 - Chester watches The Blob (1958)
on his junky TV. I wish I was watching that right now. Sigh...
- 17:41 - What's wrong?! He's covered head to toe in slime you moron!
- 23:22 - As Bobby enters Chester's house, there's still plenty of daylight outside...
- 25:43 - ... and when he and Linda come back out, its suddenly nighttime!
- 30:16 - The Blob fulfills its bacon craving by eating Officer Sims.
- 35:16 - How could you have NOT noticed that sink full of slime?!
- 38:24 - Hmm... what was this movie lacking? Oh yeah! A huge, bald, naked dude streaking through town!
- 45:32 - Is everyone in this town an alcoholic?!
- 46:49 - Hey, it's Burgess Meredith! And apparently he hates hippies!
- 58:00 - A giant, man-eating jello mold is probably the last thing you'd expect to collide with
on a dark, lonely road.
- 60:39 - Foul! That cripple crossed over the line!
- 66:40 - The Blob snacks on a few "holy rollers" at the bowling alley.
- 76:35 - Plan B = "We're out of ideas, so we're gonna burn this place to the ground."
- 86:42 - The End? Well it better damn well be the end because I will not stand for another crappy "Blob" sequel!
Recommended Viewing:
- Naturally, I 100% recommend The Blob (1958)
(read my buddy
Shadow's review of it here) and The Blob (1988)
(read Andrew Borntreger's review of this flick here). There have been rumors
on the web for years that a new Blob films is in the works. Unless it brings something new to the
table (the Blob as an alien bio-weapon would be fine by me), I think that this cinematic monster
should be left well enough alone.
The Blob is not the only slime monster to ever slosh its way across the silver screen. A
blob-like creature threatens a group of astronauts in First Spacschip on Venus (1960);
Slime creatures with electrified tentacles invade a space station in The Green Slime (1968);
a popular dessert turns out to be an evil sentient creature bent on world domination, in Larry Cohen's
The Stuff (1985); slime-men created by H-bomb tests
in the Pacific terrify Japan in The H-Man (1958);
a scientist develops a "slight skin problem" after being exposed to cosmic rays in space and
eventually becomes, The Incredible Melting Man (1977);
a close relative of "The Blob" hails from some Mayan ruins in Caltiki: The Immortal Monster (1957);
Los Angeles is invaded by a race of slimy creatures in The Slime People (1963);
a blob-type creature invades England and feeds off of radioactive materials in X: the Unknown (1956);
after the "Y2K bug" screws up computers at a research lab, said computers begin churning out various mutant beasts,
including a predatory slime-monster in Y2K: Shutdown Detected (1999).
Producer Jack H. Harris has had quite a career in the cult film biz. After the success
of The Blob (1958), Jack would go on to
produce other notable sci-fi films, including 4D Man (1959),
Dinosaurus! (1960), Equinox (1970),
and John Carpenter's feature film debut, Dark Star (1974).
Useless Trivia:
- Beware! The Blob was the first and last
feature-length theatrical film that Larry Hagman ever directed.
- Screenwriter Anthony Harris told Fangoria magazine in an interview that the script for Beware! The Blob
was largely ignored, and that most of the dialogue in the film was ad-libbed by the cast.
- Beware! The Blob
contains a character
named Chester Hargis. In 1988's The Blob, there is a minor
character named Colonel Hargis.
- Believe it or not, Beware! The Blob
was nominated for the Golden Scroll award in 1975 for "Best Science Fiction Film" by the "Academy of
Science Fiction, Fantasy, and Horror Films." Luckily, Larry Hagman's flick lost out to a truly
great sci-fi film: Rollerball (1975)!
- Oscar-winning special effect artist, Tim Barr developed the special Blob effects
for Beware! The Blob
. This however, was not the first
time Tim worked on a Jack H. Harris film. Tim's "special photographic effects" work can be seen
in Dinosaurus! (1960), which was produced by Harris and
directed by Irvin S. Yeaworth Jr., the director of 1958's The Blob.
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feedback helps make The Vault better!
Review posted on September 26, 2007.
(Review last updated on November 19, 2007.)
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